In a recent interview with our editor, William, we have discovered new, shocking, evidence on the Slime Scandal!
“I don’t feel comfortable answering that,” says William, age none-of-your-business, when asked about why he wears jackets all the time. “Can’t I just say that I’m cold?”
No, William, you can’t! I had a theory, years ago, that can potentially prove that he is not cold - in fact, he is dealing illegal slimes!
According to the creditable and famous news source, LuodingoFrenchBloggy.sus, in both the years 2002 and 2011, a racoon has been found escaping Russia, followed by the army. Could this racoon in fact be William?
“This is preposterous and my racoon - er - normal human mother would tell you I was c-sectioned!” claims William. “Racoons don’t have c-sections, I would know!”
I believe that William is a racoon, and is story will shock you.
It began in 1939, when the Soviets enlisted him into the army, in case they became involved in WW2. When they were, he won many a metal, and was famous among the Soviets.
“He was the bestest racoon anyone’s ever sawed!” says Boris, 89, def a real person.
He retired afterwards, but during the Cold War he was drafted into a super special secret mission that no one talks about, to invade America.
It failed horribly, and he was captured and put into Area 51.
From then on, I can’t find out what happened in Area 51, but when asked if he knows what is in there, William says, “Hopefully a lot of therapists.” This proved that something happened to him there, and it is traumatic.
Eventually, I know he escaped in 2000, and then fled to England. The Queen took sympathy to him, and sent him to Afghanistan, where he trained with Osama. He then had a leading roll in 911, angry at the Americans.
Afterwards he was relatively peaceful in England, where he was also famous, but only called “Paddington Bear”
Eventually he got plastic surgery and moved to South Africa. He must have a very good docter, because it looks very real.
You may wonder what this has to do with his jacket. It is my belief that his speech ability was damaged in Area 51, and he cannot speak. So, how does he communicate? With one of those See-and-Talk (our sponsor) toys, hidden beneath his jacket.
But then we still have the question, why did he move to South Africa?!
It was to start an illegal slime market, which you can see more about in one of our other Articles!
Now you know.
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- by Gavi, our author. See more on this page